When it rains it pours!

So it's been awhile since I ranted to ya'll. I'm not going to fill you in on all the time I missed, but I will bring you up to speed.
First, I don't remember if I told you, but I applied for the Director of the Pomeroy Library about 9 months ago. I was dressed uber professional, came prepared with all the documentation of everything I had done at the RCPL, documents showing all the donations I had procured, etc. I was the perfect candidate for the job. But instead of hiring me, they hired a lady with no library experience. They also took a bunch of my ideas that I had shown them and had her do them at their library. Total insult! My ideas are good enough but I'm not?!
So jump to 2 weeks ago. The Manson Library is hiring a Children's Librarian. It's part time and will work well with my existing Children's Librarian job. I interviewed the day I turned in my application. Then I got called not even a few days later and asked to interview again with some of their board members. Well that was this past Monday. The interview went great. I am sure I have to be in the front runners!!!
This week the Pomeroy Library has an ad in the paper. That lady quit on them and they are hiring a director again. I will not apply this time! Well then Tuesday my library director at RCPL tells me that she heard through the grapevine that I was going to be offered the Pomeroy Director job. She also thinks that I will be offered the Manson Children's Librarian job.
So now (once they both call) I will have to decide between the two. Here are the pros and cons-
Manson Pros
Love the board and director (so nice!)
the hours work well for me
they will let me keep my blue hair
i get to stay a children's librarian and have 2 libraries on my resume showing how in demand I am
director has been there 27 years and can teach me alot (also stand a good chance of her retiring in the next 5 to 10 years and would be a shoe in for director)
Manson Cons
they won't pay to certify me as a librarian
they have a certain way they want things done, so won't get to change programming, have to stick with their ways
Pomeroy Pros
they will pay to certify me
will have a directorship on my resume (which gives me the keys to the library world front door)
will work with my library schedule
small library so it should be a good one to learn the ropes at
Pomeroy Cons
board insulted me
have heard horror stories about how bitchy and nosy their board is (difficult to deal with)
won't let me keep the blue hair
would most likely end up leaving as soon as possible and will have "quit directorship" on my resume

Now to make the decision even tougher, Joe was injured at work this week. He is off work for a week (probably not getting paid for it). He was told that if it wasn't better by Friday then he needs physical therapy. It's Thursday now and he is not better. So what if this is really serious? What if he is in chronic pain for life? What if he can't go back to doing construction? What if I end up the sole breadwinner for our family? I need to choose the job that will give us the best possible future.
I want to go with Manson. I can be myself while being taught by people who not only know what they are doing (both in Manson and RCPL), but want to help me succeed. I can see myself being happy in Manson. Pomeroy I just see stressing me out and ending up hurting me in the end.
So I can up with an idea. I want to see if the RC Friends of the Library will pay to certify me. If they won't pay the whole thing, maybe I can get Manson to go half on it with them. Because lets be honest, certification is the only thing Pomeroy has going for them.
So I am hoping that my future will be taking a turn for the better in the near future. I am also praying that Joe will heal and be okay again soon.
Wish me luck and keep a candle burning for me!

Morals

So I can't sleep. I have so much that needs to be done, so much I have just not done for a while, things I feel, things I don't want to feel, lots of just messed up shit.
I did something bad, something I shouldn't have done, something I really don't feel in my soul was as bad as others think it is, something that is really eating at me. It's causing other issues to go from bad to worse and my rational plan is to cut and run. When things go south you get out. It's that simple.
So now I have an internal bad of morals. This sucks ass.

Suck My Ass

So to all those people who should be here right now, suck my ass. To all those people who are here and really shouldn't be, suck my ass. To all those people who try very hard to make me feel bad about myself, suck my ass. To all those people who are fake friends and don't actually give a shit, suck my ass. And finally to all those people who will blame me in the end for their fuck ups, suck my ass.
No more Captain Save-A-Ho cape. I untied it, took it off, and wiped my ass with it so that I would be nice and clean when I tell you to suck my ass. Fuck you, fuck your bullshit, fuck the chaos, and fuck being someone else. Suck My Ass!

Bad JuJu

So it has been brought to my attention that there are people around me with really bad juju. This is not good. They have brought a wake of bad news, hard times, and death. Yes, I said death. Since arriving there have been 3 deaths that, though not directly in my life, are in some way, shape, or form touching my world. First was the murder of a woman I used to strip with. Second, my oldest daughter's biological piece of shit ran over and killed his girlfriend's daughter. Third, the former Children's Librarian, the one I replaced, died. The feds came questioning one of my friends, I was told that all my sister-in-laws are mad at me, I have been cussed out by my brother-in-law, had numerous fights with my hubby, have a screwed up friendship messing with my head, got in one of my oldest friend's face, and have all but felt the need to get in my car with my kids and run away.
So now is when you ask what I am doing to get rid of this bad juju person.... Nothing! I am not allowed to deal with it. My hubby is supposed to be dealing with it, but as always, he avoids any sort of confrontation that would have any effect. Instead he has talked to this person, believed their bullshit, and has let them continue on in our world.
So this is where I am. I have been told by ump-teen people to get as far away from this person as possible before anymore bad can come. What can I do? I'm not going to leave my home, my hubby, my life to escape this person. They in turn are making no attempt to vacate my safe, warm, cushy life.
So for now I wait in fear, wondering what will happen next.

How Do You Learn To Say Fuck 'Em

So I have been feeling left out by my friends alot lately. I have even tried talking to some of them about it. They have all said the same thing, they aren't leaving me out, it's just that things come up at the last minute and they get caught up and forget to call. Well I would like to scream BULLSHIT!!! I happen to know for a fact that my friends have been at parties (thrown by other friends) the last two nights and that there is another party planned for tonight. Granted, tonights party was a last minute thing put together last night, but yet has my phone rang today? No. I only know about ti because another friend (not the one throwing the party) asked me to come. Now I can't just show up there without the person who's party it is calling me and inviting me. So now I know that they either don't want me around, or they just plain don't think of me. I don't know which is worse. I do know that someway somehow I have to learn to say fuck 'em!

Where Have All The BFFS Gone?

So why are all your "BBF"s barely even "F"s anymore? I'll tell you why. Because somewhere along the line, people grow up. What sucks is that they don't all grow up in the same ways. Some grow up working hard and struggling to get ahead. They grow bitter, resentful, distant. Others grow up with everything coming to them easily, never having to try at all. They become tired of listening to other people's problems, feeling like everyone is trying to mooch off them, use them, copy them. Those people turn their backs on longtime friendships. Many still grow into someother person all together. They walk away from everyone in their old lives. They look down on people from their past and want no contact with anything from that time. But the worst ones of all grow into exactly who they should be. Exactly who they need to be and want to be. Those are the ones that everyone else forgets the fastest. They are the ones that still want to be your friend no matter what has changed. They are willing to roll with the punches and still hold on to those who matter to them.
I am one of these people. I am one of the people that believe that friendships can stand the test of time if you want them to. People's lives may change, people may change, but the reason they became your friends still remains.
Unfortunately, it seems that all of my friends grew into all the other kinds of people. I feel forgotten, I feel left out, and most of all I feel like no one is my friend until they want something from me. This hurts and sucks bad for me. I have always felt like I was one of the most important people in all of my friends' lives. I felt like everyone always wanted me around, always invited me, always called to say hello. Where did they all go? And why is it that when I try to talk to them about this, they say nothing has changed or they make up some excuse about being busy. Everyone is busy, I'm busy, but yet I always find time to check in with my friends.

Human Decency Is Dead

So I have had a crap week. Too much bad has happened and I am so negative right now that I have decided that human decency is dead. I don't even know where to begin. There has been so much that I don't think I could possibly write it all down. So instead I'll just give you the general idea. For the last 5 days I have had a person around me that has insulted me, lied to me, taken my things without asking (she has taken 2 pairs of my shoes, clothes from my girls, my phone, my kid's car seat, wanted to take my car, and came into my room while I was sleeping, took my work computer from under my bed and ran the battery down but didn't plug it back in), disrespected me and my hubby in our own home (she informed us last night that if she needs more than 2 weeks to find a place then she was staying at our house longer even though we told her she only had 2 weeks. She also took my cell phone and wouldn't give it back to me when I asked for it, she had the nerve to snap at me and say do you mind? I'm on the phone, I'll be done in five minutes.), ditched me with her kid (twice. And both times said that she would only be a couple hours and it was more like 4-6 hours both times), cluttered up not only my back garage (which was where she was supposed to put all her shit), but the front one (she unloaded a bunch of her shit into my backyard, left, and called my=e from god knows where almost 7 hours later to say that it was going to rain and that I needed to get her stuff out of the yard) and my basement (pilling up boxes and shit so that we can barely get to the bathroom downstairs). She has caused me so much stress that last night I about hit her. I wanted to knock her out so bad. She expects hubby and I to be at her beck and call, but she can't do a single fucking thing for us. She even went so far as to inform me that since the basement is now hers (which it is not. She gets to use the spare bed in the basement, nothing more) she was going to rearrange things and was going to take over my hubby's den in the basement. I told her that wasn't going to happen and she basically told me that she was doing it whether I wanted her to or not.
So basically I have felt used, disrespected, and pissed off for 5 days. Thank the lord she went away for the weekend. I needed the break. But I wish there was a way that she would go stay somewhere else next week when she gets back. But we don't want to be assholes and through her out (well hubby basically is asking me to try a little harder to talk to her about all this, but what's the point? She thinks she isn't doing anything wrong. I will hold my peace as long as possible, but I can't promise that she won't disrespect me again so bad that I knock her ass out.) nor do we want the rest of the family thinking we were in the wrong.
So that brings me to today. A boy I know was diagnosed with cancer. Tonight I am having a benefit movie night for him to raise money. I was expecting a really great crowd. I got maybe 30 people and raised maybe $15. I am so disapointed that I want to cry. Can nothing go right for me this week?
Why didn't I you ask? Because she is my hubby's little sister. She moved in with us until we could find her a place. It's supposed to only be for 2 weeks, but after 48 I wanted to throw her out. Unfortunately if this situation goes bad it could screw up my relationship with all of hubby's family. So I am trying really hard to be the bigger person and keep my mouth shut. It's just hard when she is being a demanding, unappreciative, selfish little cunt. So now whenever she is there I am going to stay in my room as much as possible so then she can't get to me. But I swear by everything holy that she will be out at the 2 weeks mark.

Captain Save-A-Ho

So have you ever had someone come to you with a sob story, a really detailed sob, and ask you for help? Did it either hit home with you so much that you had to help? Or did it annoy you so bad that you had to help them just so you don't have to deal with it anymore? Either way, you jump on your white horse, jump in and take over, save the day.
That is called being Captain Save-A-Ho. I am a Captain Save-A-Ho. I can't help it. Everytime I help someone, I end up being the one that gets fucked while they skate off scoot free. Everytime I say I will never play Captain Save-A-Ho again, here I sit again in the same position.
I have helped with everything from someone needing a pack of cigarettes to bailing them out of jail. From giving them large amounts of cash as a "loan" (that I never get back) to letting them live with me completely free.
I have had "friends" steal from me, tell lies about me, sleep with my boyfriend, use me, treat me bad, and still manage to convince me that it was all my fault.
I have no idea how they do this, repeatedly to me. But it does over and over. I have gotten to the point where I know what the result will be, yet can't stop myself from doing it anyway.
When will I stop trying to make others happy and only worry about my own.

Pissing In My Cheerios

Why must everyone piss in my cheerios? This week has sucked! I tried to do something good for someone else. And someone found a way to piss in my cheerios. I was planning a productive yet mellow day, someone pissed in my cheerios. I try to do something constructive, piss in my cheerios! Why! I just want to quote Mallrats and scream When Lord! When The Hell Do I Get To See The Goddamn Sailboat!



So let's start off on Monday. To do that I must give you a little background. My best friend Tim died when I was 21 years old. He died of cancer or luekemia, I'm not sure. You see, he had had the disease before I met him and was in remission for our entire friendship. So I never saw him as sick. W would talk about it briefly when he would get back from one of his doctor appointments, but I really didn't want to know or see him as sick and he didn't want me to see him as sick and treat him different. So we just let sleeping dogs lie. He comes back from one appoinment and tells me everything is good, but the doctor bitched at him to gain more weight again. A week later his mom shows at my door (a woman who I had met, but she had never been to my house, nor did I think she knew where it was) and told me that he had died in his sleep. At his funeral, when I walked in, everyone came up to me and told me that I meant the world to Tim. I was the most important thing in his life. How much he loved me. Now I had known that he had a crush on me, but never thought he loved me as much or as deeply as it turned out he did. Knowing all that made my loss even worse. It devasted me. I wanted to die it hurt so bad. So to cope, I stayed as fucked up as I could for as long as I could. And when I finally healed enough to live again, I swore I would do whatever I could to never feel that way again.
Then a few weeks ago i had a flashback of that pain. I was told that one of my mom's babysitting kids (who also happens to be one of my biggest supporters at the library, comes to all my movies and events) had cancer. He was in the hospital because they had found a malignant tumor between his lungs and his ribs. They removed 2 of his ribs and now is doing chemo. being told that brought the old pain to the surface. I knew instantly that I must do something. Anything. I was not going to sit in the dark this time. So I immediately contacted his family to see if I could hold some benefit movie nights for him. They said yes and had him make me a list of movies he would like me to show. Now I must say at this point that I did not expect him to come to all of the movies. It was just something nice I wanted to do to help them out. So Monday I got it all planned, made flyers, posted advertising, put it on Myspace and Facebook, as well as sent out a mass email to everyone on my library mailing list. I felt great.
On Tuesday I got an email back from someone (someone not on my mailing list or someone I even know) who basically came off very snide and rude, telling me that one of the nights wasn't going to pick because the boy was in Boy Scouts and the Boy Scouts had a lock-in that night. Neither him now any of his friends could make it. I felt really shitty after reading that. I felt like someone was telling me that I had no right to put a benefit together and no one would come to my benefit.
Wednesday I spent asleep. I just couldn't take anymore negative attitudes or just a plain old bad day.
Thursday was spent dealing with one of my children being a total pain in the ass and making me feel like a shook up popcan. Then hauling said kid, with her sister who was in a whiney mood to Dodge to meet Joe. The plain was to price lawnmowers. Instead we ended up fighting (well mostly me being bitchy to him) and separating for the night.
Friday i had planned a mellow, yet productive day. I had the 4 yr. old class walking to the library at 9:15am and 1:15pm. Also Denise had a dr. appt. so I was working from 9am to noonish until she got there and Rain had to ride the bus to the library. The morning went as planned and Rain was being really good. When I got off at noon, Rain and I were going to go to the postoffice and then go home for lunch before going back to the library at 1pm. We went to the postoffice and while I was inside Rain picked a huge bouquet of dandelions. She wanted to go give them to my mom. So we go to my parent's house. When we got there my mom asked why I wasn't at the school. I asked why I should be at the school. She tells me that it's track and field day at 12:30pm and Maggie had no one there to watch her. This was the first I had heard of track and field day. I sent Maggie to school in a dress and jelly shoes for pete's sake! So I ran home, got her socks and tennis shoes and raced to the school. It started to spirnkle for a few minutes and by the time they started, I only got to see Maggie run in one race before I had to leave for the library. Rain was really good while I had the 4 yr. olds there and then we sat at the library so I could get a few other things done. When we left at 3 pm I decided that we would go pick Maggie up from school. When I get there the school is empty. Come to find out, track and field day only lasted until 2pm and then the kids could leave with their parents. My kid had sat at school for an extra hour because I didn't know! How shitty of a mom does that make me look like! So i went home and when Joe got home I went to bed.
That brings us to today. Maggie had a soccer game and Joe had to help coach so Rain had to go to work at the library with me. She was really good. She was even good while I had bookclub after work. So Joe and I decided to spend the day with a kid each. Him and Maggie did yard work. They busted ass and the yard looks great! Rain and I went to run some errands in Dodge. She was fabulous and we had a great day! When we got home we helped Joe and Maggie finish up the yard work. Joe went to run the mulch to the yard waste dump in town and I decided to pain our front deck. it's red. I hate red! So we had a bunch of wall paint and I decided to cover the red. I didn't care that it was wall paint. Anything looked better than what we had! But he got irritated with me and now he's being a dick. He made the kids come inside and that made them pissy. Now everyone in my house is grumpy. I don't want to be grumpy! For the first time all week I was having a great day.
So that is the moral of this post. No matter how hard you try, no matter how much you deserved it, when things are going good for you, someone, somewhere will come along and piss in your cheerios.

Shopping

I love shopping!! Today I went and priced lawn mowers, weed wackers, and a pond!!! I want a pond so bad! I also want blue and green fish in my pond, but we'll see if I can find any! So instead I spent $100 at the bookstore and that made me feel better!

Missing

So most chicks have a best friend, right? Usually that someone is another girl. Someone that they cry on, rant to, shop with, and other girlie shit.
Well, for the last ten years, give or take a year, that person for me was a guy. This guy was someone that I got really close to in a short period of time.
It's weird. He is not like me very much. He is very picky, moody, goal-oriented, and most of all, he listens. I could tell him anything, no matter how gross or crazy. I could be 100% myself around him. We could sit and talk for hours or just drive around in silence. I thought he would be my best friend forever.
But a couple of years ago he started secretly dating this chick. It was a very taboo relationship, so he chose not to talk about it until he could really be open about it. So for I think about a year our conversations (when he had time for them) centered around my life, stress, issues, etc. We talked about his shit rarely. When he did talk about the relationship, all he ever told me was the bad stuff. All I got to see was how she mad him feel guilty about his past, worthless about his future. By the time they were able to be out as a couple without reprocussions, I hated her. I thought she was terrible for him. And worse yet, he had convinced me that he really didn't care about her that much.
Ha! Stupid me. They have now been together for a couple years. I get to talk to him maybe once a month. When we do talk it is a brief hi! how are you? I'm really busy, I'll call you back.
I have felt him slipping away for a long time now. It really hurts me not to have him in my life. Sometimes I think he is the only person who understands me. I understood him completely, now I don't even know him. She has made him change who he is. A guy who used to be adventurous and liked to make the best with what he had, had now become someone who comes off as snobby, too good for his old life, and worse yet, someone who seems embarassed to be my friend.
I've known for a long time now that I wasn't his best friend anymore. But it really just dawned on me that I finally feel like he isn't mine either anymore. I don't even try to call him anymore when something great happens, I got sick of sharing my happiness with his voicemail. I don't call him when something bad happens or I am upset, he never answers anyway.. i don't leave messages on his voicemail, he never calls me back. I don't stop to see him when I'm close by, he doesn't have time for me.
But the worst part about it all is that I made him the Godfather of my children. I never in a million years thought that he wouldn't be in their lives. But here we are and they barely know him. I really believed that we would be friends well into middle age or even old age.
I miss him terribly. And I hope somewhere deep down in his soul he misses me too.

Do I Make You Proud?!

Today I should be happy
Today I should get to be proud
I worked really hard
I tries so much
I feel like a puppy dog wanting attention
Somone acknowledge what I do
Today they did
Some noticed
It felt good
The important ones
They didn't notice
They just never thought about it
So eager to be told good job
So desperate for their pride
Today I almost let tem win
Today I almost sacrificed my chance
My turn to be recognized
Their turn to be proud
Their turn to be happy for me