How Do You Learn To Say Fuck 'Em

So I have been feeling left out by my friends alot lately. I have even tried talking to some of them about it. They have all said the same thing, they aren't leaving me out, it's just that things come up at the last minute and they get caught up and forget to call. Well I would like to scream BULLSHIT!!! I happen to know for a fact that my friends have been at parties (thrown by other friends) the last two nights and that there is another party planned for tonight. Granted, tonights party was a last minute thing put together last night, but yet has my phone rang today? No. I only know about ti because another friend (not the one throwing the party) asked me to come. Now I can't just show up there without the person who's party it is calling me and inviting me. So now I know that they either don't want me around, or they just plain don't think of me. I don't know which is worse. I do know that someway somehow I have to learn to say fuck 'em!

Where Have All The BFFS Gone?

So why are all your "BBF"s barely even "F"s anymore? I'll tell you why. Because somewhere along the line, people grow up. What sucks is that they don't all grow up in the same ways. Some grow up working hard and struggling to get ahead. They grow bitter, resentful, distant. Others grow up with everything coming to them easily, never having to try at all. They become tired of listening to other people's problems, feeling like everyone is trying to mooch off them, use them, copy them. Those people turn their backs on longtime friendships. Many still grow into someother person all together. They walk away from everyone in their old lives. They look down on people from their past and want no contact with anything from that time. But the worst ones of all grow into exactly who they should be. Exactly who they need to be and want to be. Those are the ones that everyone else forgets the fastest. They are the ones that still want to be your friend no matter what has changed. They are willing to roll with the punches and still hold on to those who matter to them.
I am one of these people. I am one of the people that believe that friendships can stand the test of time if you want them to. People's lives may change, people may change, but the reason they became your friends still remains.
Unfortunately, it seems that all of my friends grew into all the other kinds of people. I feel forgotten, I feel left out, and most of all I feel like no one is my friend until they want something from me. This hurts and sucks bad for me. I have always felt like I was one of the most important people in all of my friends' lives. I felt like everyone always wanted me around, always invited me, always called to say hello. Where did they all go? And why is it that when I try to talk to them about this, they say nothing has changed or they make up some excuse about being busy. Everyone is busy, I'm busy, but yet I always find time to check in with my friends.

Human Decency Is Dead

So I have had a crap week. Too much bad has happened and I am so negative right now that I have decided that human decency is dead. I don't even know where to begin. There has been so much that I don't think I could possibly write it all down. So instead I'll just give you the general idea. For the last 5 days I have had a person around me that has insulted me, lied to me, taken my things without asking (she has taken 2 pairs of my shoes, clothes from my girls, my phone, my kid's car seat, wanted to take my car, and came into my room while I was sleeping, took my work computer from under my bed and ran the battery down but didn't plug it back in), disrespected me and my hubby in our own home (she informed us last night that if she needs more than 2 weeks to find a place then she was staying at our house longer even though we told her she only had 2 weeks. She also took my cell phone and wouldn't give it back to me when I asked for it, she had the nerve to snap at me and say do you mind? I'm on the phone, I'll be done in five minutes.), ditched me with her kid (twice. And both times said that she would only be a couple hours and it was more like 4-6 hours both times), cluttered up not only my back garage (which was where she was supposed to put all her shit), but the front one (she unloaded a bunch of her shit into my backyard, left, and called my=e from god knows where almost 7 hours later to say that it was going to rain and that I needed to get her stuff out of the yard) and my basement (pilling up boxes and shit so that we can barely get to the bathroom downstairs). She has caused me so much stress that last night I about hit her. I wanted to knock her out so bad. She expects hubby and I to be at her beck and call, but she can't do a single fucking thing for us. She even went so far as to inform me that since the basement is now hers (which it is not. She gets to use the spare bed in the basement, nothing more) she was going to rearrange things and was going to take over my hubby's den in the basement. I told her that wasn't going to happen and she basically told me that she was doing it whether I wanted her to or not.
So basically I have felt used, disrespected, and pissed off for 5 days. Thank the lord she went away for the weekend. I needed the break. But I wish there was a way that she would go stay somewhere else next week when she gets back. But we don't want to be assholes and through her out (well hubby basically is asking me to try a little harder to talk to her about all this, but what's the point? She thinks she isn't doing anything wrong. I will hold my peace as long as possible, but I can't promise that she won't disrespect me again so bad that I knock her ass out.) nor do we want the rest of the family thinking we were in the wrong.
So that brings me to today. A boy I know was diagnosed with cancer. Tonight I am having a benefit movie night for him to raise money. I was expecting a really great crowd. I got maybe 30 people and raised maybe $15. I am so disapointed that I want to cry. Can nothing go right for me this week?
Why didn't I you ask? Because she is my hubby's little sister. She moved in with us until we could find her a place. It's supposed to only be for 2 weeks, but after 48 I wanted to throw her out. Unfortunately if this situation goes bad it could screw up my relationship with all of hubby's family. So I am trying really hard to be the bigger person and keep my mouth shut. It's just hard when she is being a demanding, unappreciative, selfish little cunt. So now whenever she is there I am going to stay in my room as much as possible so then she can't get to me. But I swear by everything holy that she will be out at the 2 weeks mark.

Captain Save-A-Ho

So have you ever had someone come to you with a sob story, a really detailed sob, and ask you for help? Did it either hit home with you so much that you had to help? Or did it annoy you so bad that you had to help them just so you don't have to deal with it anymore? Either way, you jump on your white horse, jump in and take over, save the day.
That is called being Captain Save-A-Ho. I am a Captain Save-A-Ho. I can't help it. Everytime I help someone, I end up being the one that gets fucked while they skate off scoot free. Everytime I say I will never play Captain Save-A-Ho again, here I sit again in the same position.
I have helped with everything from someone needing a pack of cigarettes to bailing them out of jail. From giving them large amounts of cash as a "loan" (that I never get back) to letting them live with me completely free.
I have had "friends" steal from me, tell lies about me, sleep with my boyfriend, use me, treat me bad, and still manage to convince me that it was all my fault.
I have no idea how they do this, repeatedly to me. But it does over and over. I have gotten to the point where I know what the result will be, yet can't stop myself from doing it anyway.
When will I stop trying to make others happy and only worry about my own.

Pissing In My Cheerios

Why must everyone piss in my cheerios? This week has sucked! I tried to do something good for someone else. And someone found a way to piss in my cheerios. I was planning a productive yet mellow day, someone pissed in my cheerios. I try to do something constructive, piss in my cheerios! Why! I just want to quote Mallrats and scream When Lord! When The Hell Do I Get To See The Goddamn Sailboat!



So let's start off on Monday. To do that I must give you a little background. My best friend Tim died when I was 21 years old. He died of cancer or luekemia, I'm not sure. You see, he had had the disease before I met him and was in remission for our entire friendship. So I never saw him as sick. W would talk about it briefly when he would get back from one of his doctor appointments, but I really didn't want to know or see him as sick and he didn't want me to see him as sick and treat him different. So we just let sleeping dogs lie. He comes back from one appoinment and tells me everything is good, but the doctor bitched at him to gain more weight again. A week later his mom shows at my door (a woman who I had met, but she had never been to my house, nor did I think she knew where it was) and told me that he had died in his sleep. At his funeral, when I walked in, everyone came up to me and told me that I meant the world to Tim. I was the most important thing in his life. How much he loved me. Now I had known that he had a crush on me, but never thought he loved me as much or as deeply as it turned out he did. Knowing all that made my loss even worse. It devasted me. I wanted to die it hurt so bad. So to cope, I stayed as fucked up as I could for as long as I could. And when I finally healed enough to live again, I swore I would do whatever I could to never feel that way again.
Then a few weeks ago i had a flashback of that pain. I was told that one of my mom's babysitting kids (who also happens to be one of my biggest supporters at the library, comes to all my movies and events) had cancer. He was in the hospital because they had found a malignant tumor between his lungs and his ribs. They removed 2 of his ribs and now is doing chemo. being told that brought the old pain to the surface. I knew instantly that I must do something. Anything. I was not going to sit in the dark this time. So I immediately contacted his family to see if I could hold some benefit movie nights for him. They said yes and had him make me a list of movies he would like me to show. Now I must say at this point that I did not expect him to come to all of the movies. It was just something nice I wanted to do to help them out. So Monday I got it all planned, made flyers, posted advertising, put it on Myspace and Facebook, as well as sent out a mass email to everyone on my library mailing list. I felt great.
On Tuesday I got an email back from someone (someone not on my mailing list or someone I even know) who basically came off very snide and rude, telling me that one of the nights wasn't going to pick because the boy was in Boy Scouts and the Boy Scouts had a lock-in that night. Neither him now any of his friends could make it. I felt really shitty after reading that. I felt like someone was telling me that I had no right to put a benefit together and no one would come to my benefit.
Wednesday I spent asleep. I just couldn't take anymore negative attitudes or just a plain old bad day.
Thursday was spent dealing with one of my children being a total pain in the ass and making me feel like a shook up popcan. Then hauling said kid, with her sister who was in a whiney mood to Dodge to meet Joe. The plain was to price lawnmowers. Instead we ended up fighting (well mostly me being bitchy to him) and separating for the night.
Friday i had planned a mellow, yet productive day. I had the 4 yr. old class walking to the library at 9:15am and 1:15pm. Also Denise had a dr. appt. so I was working from 9am to noonish until she got there and Rain had to ride the bus to the library. The morning went as planned and Rain was being really good. When I got off at noon, Rain and I were going to go to the postoffice and then go home for lunch before going back to the library at 1pm. We went to the postoffice and while I was inside Rain picked a huge bouquet of dandelions. She wanted to go give them to my mom. So we go to my parent's house. When we got there my mom asked why I wasn't at the school. I asked why I should be at the school. She tells me that it's track and field day at 12:30pm and Maggie had no one there to watch her. This was the first I had heard of track and field day. I sent Maggie to school in a dress and jelly shoes for pete's sake! So I ran home, got her socks and tennis shoes and raced to the school. It started to spirnkle for a few minutes and by the time they started, I only got to see Maggie run in one race before I had to leave for the library. Rain was really good while I had the 4 yr. olds there and then we sat at the library so I could get a few other things done. When we left at 3 pm I decided that we would go pick Maggie up from school. When I get there the school is empty. Come to find out, track and field day only lasted until 2pm and then the kids could leave with their parents. My kid had sat at school for an extra hour because I didn't know! How shitty of a mom does that make me look like! So i went home and when Joe got home I went to bed.
That brings us to today. Maggie had a soccer game and Joe had to help coach so Rain had to go to work at the library with me. She was really good. She was even good while I had bookclub after work. So Joe and I decided to spend the day with a kid each. Him and Maggie did yard work. They busted ass and the yard looks great! Rain and I went to run some errands in Dodge. She was fabulous and we had a great day! When we got home we helped Joe and Maggie finish up the yard work. Joe went to run the mulch to the yard waste dump in town and I decided to pain our front deck. it's red. I hate red! So we had a bunch of wall paint and I decided to cover the red. I didn't care that it was wall paint. Anything looked better than what we had! But he got irritated with me and now he's being a dick. He made the kids come inside and that made them pissy. Now everyone in my house is grumpy. I don't want to be grumpy! For the first time all week I was having a great day.
So that is the moral of this post. No matter how hard you try, no matter how much you deserved it, when things are going good for you, someone, somewhere will come along and piss in your cheerios.

Shopping

I love shopping!! Today I went and priced lawn mowers, weed wackers, and a pond!!! I want a pond so bad! I also want blue and green fish in my pond, but we'll see if I can find any! So instead I spent $100 at the bookstore and that made me feel better!